counter clockwise

It's the beginning of August and I am seeing so much Halloween stuff, at first I was like “Woah why does this feel like it is really early this year” but after thinking that day after day, I finally came to terms with why I feel that way. To me, summer isn't over. I don't want it to be over. I did not have the summer I wanted to have whatsoever. And I am really upset and angry about it. 

But then again, time isn't real. 

I have no one to blame but myself. I’m stuck in this loop where I have to work to live but then I forget to live. There’s obviously more to why I didn't have the summer I wanted but today is not the day to bring up the other reason.

The reason I am even writing about this today is actually that I was introduced to someone who kind of feels the way I feel. But first, let's talk about how I felt this connection with her -- podcasts. 

I’ve always wanted to get into podcasts. To be honest, there are a lot of things I would like to get into but simply don't have the time to. I haven't felt super inspired and encouraged lately to do much, hence the lack of writing. I feel like I am living life the wrong way. I don’t want to be drained and I would like to spend time doing things I actually enjoy doing, doing things that make life worth living. 

But going back to the podcast, I recently listened to a new podcast -- Moments with Lexi Hidalgo. Being a little journalism nerd I obviously dabbled in podcasts but not enough to actually pursue them. But to be fair, I was doing it because I had to not because I wanted to so that definitely affected the way I felt about doing them. 

I try not to compare myself to others because everyone is on their own journey but we naturally will do that out of instinct because growing up we were always compared to someone. That may be your sister, your friend, your classmate, your teammate, the barista, or a random person on the street. So it can be really hard to un-program something when it's been there for so long. 

I look at Lexi, she is in her young twenties -- yet, she is traveling the world, pursuing her passions, and just living. The same with everyone around me. I feel like I am in quicksand and the more I try to get out, the more I sink. I get it though, she got famous through youtube and is just loaded with money for being her age. Sometimes I look at them and just think “damn how did they get lucky?”

With this all being said, I really would like to get into podcasts but in a way, podcasts are just like blogs… but verbal? I only have so many things to talk about. I need to articulate my thoughts on paper if that makes sense. I lost my voice, so writing comes a lot easier to me than speaking. But I am a no one, not literally but you get what I mean. I don’t have a following, who would want to listen to me talk? I want to do something where I can connect with someone. I want to be in a situation where I am Lexi and someone else is me. I'm not sure how to do that but I would love to see myself start doing Tik Tok, Youtube videos, Instagram “Influencer” (I don't like that word, I just want to be that Pinterest girl), Podcast, or just something. 

I don’t think it’s a podcast though, something is missing and I am trying to fill that void, and eventually, I will fill that void. I think the fact that I’ve been hiding for two years of my life

Fuck “new year, new me” as I said -- time isn’t real. You can do whatever you want whenever you want, you don't have to just when a new year starts. You can start growing whenever you want to. “New year, new me” is just an excuse. 

This is personally something I need to hear, “Doing your best might look different each day, but at least you're trying.”

At least I am trying.

-- Xoxo Jade