jumping bean

If there is one thing my life was missing for a long time -- it was consistency. 

Since graduating high school in 2020, I have felt burnout. I wasn’t really living, I was surviving. For a really long time, I didn’t have a consistent home and to this day, saying the word “home” still doesn’t feel right. I lived in Indiana, Illinois and Colorado and to me, none of those are home. While living in Colorado I was away from my loved ones, which was really hard. Watching my loved ones live a life without me. To this day, I still feel like I missed a really big part of their lives but being away for as long as I have been, made me realize that it is the people that make a home. 

I’ve been like a jumping bean -- jumping from place to place, from job to job. And finally, for the first time in a really long time. I’m still. I’ve been at the same place and the same company for the longest time since graduating high school. 

Slowly, all of the puzzle pieces started falling back into place. 

Being still, made so many things clear. I was able to shift my focus on more important matters and not constantly be in flight or fight mode. I’ve always been like a chameleon, I adapt to change really well (more like I’ve learned how to because I was forced to). Staying in one place and one job has forced me to break out of that “I must blend in to fit in” shell I had up, which ultimately helped me learn more about myself. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still have a lot of goals I have yet to achieve but with it being June -- half way through the year, it’s good to look back at the goals I have placed for myself in January and see just how far I’ve gone since then. 

That leads us to me sitting down and even writing this. 

I don’t know why I’ve abandoned this, why I’ve abandoned my love and passion for writing and being creative. It’s hard when you lose your spark and it’s even harder to get it back. As someone who is goal-oriented and loves a checklist, sitting down and writing goals is beneficial to me even if it is seen as outdated and cringy. Honestly, to be cringe is to be free -- living life without the fear of judgment is something I also had a really hard time coming to terms with. I’ve lost my motivation to pursue, to create, to love. Silly me, that's the whole point of life. 

Finding my motivation -- finding that spark has been a challenge. Filling my life with those who support and love me, helped me find support and love in myself. It really starts with those around you, if you are not constantly around those that bring out the best in you, you will never find that love in yourself. 

But with everything, it is a work in progress. It’s refreshing seeing myself discover who I am and loving the things I used to love when I was little but this time, without shame. 

Maybe eventually this will be more than a personal blog -- diary style. Maybe it will be a more polished blog that writes about one thing specifically instead of my thoughts on hyper-specific topics or personal journeys. All I know is that it feels good to be writing here, to my invisible readers. It's a sign I am on the right path. 

"If everything was perfect, you would never learn, and you would never grow."

I love you all --

Xoxo, Jade