the first step
No one teaches us to heal properly. And I am not talking about our bodies, which is a good thing for us because if our bodies didn't heal on their own, a lot of us would be screwed. I'm talking about the healing that comes from the trauma, the failures, the pain, and everything in between. It's just one of those things you have to learn along the way.
Personally, when it comes to me, I've never been allowed to process anything growing up. I’ve always had to move past it quicker than I wanted or heal faster than I wanted. Part of that is just because life moves way too fast and I have to move with it. I can't be stuck in the past. But when does that leave us time to heal then?
This post will almost act as a letter to the things that I am still holding on to that I never got to heal from. I didn't realize just how much I lost. And usually, I would be optimistic and say something like “... but that just means I have more to gain.” But I feel like that’s not the healthy thing to say. Sure it may be optimistic but I feel like to truly heal you have just to let things be sometimes. You just have to feel them to the capacity, and realistically it's not always going to be positive. Because when you are always trying to find the positive about the bad, you are not giving yourself the room to heal, the room to feel, to grow.
There are some who write things on a plate and smash it or sometimes they will write it down and then burn it. Maybe that helps them, maybe that is a good outlet for them. But for me, that just doesn't do anything. I still hold onto things, I think I probably will always hold onto things but I think that has helped form my personality. For someone who loves writing, writing things down doesn’t help as much as I would like but it’s all I got.
To my childhood home-- Hurricane Ian destroyed it. I don’t talk about my home away from home much mainly because I'm not a huge Florida person. The environment is not where I thrive -- I don't like sand, salty water, or the heat. And then we have the food and the people. For a vegetarian, Taurus moon, democratic person-- it just doesn’t scream comfort and safeness there. I also got tired of it, I’ve been there so much and my family being my family, they never wanted to take a trip anywhere else, but I get bored super easily and need change if we haven't picked up on that. But now that I got the negatives out of the way.
Growing up I would go to Fort Myers Beach at least twice a year if not more. I celebrated birthdays and Christmases there. I’ve been to all the fun quirky places the island had to offer. The last time I visited was in March, I only went for a few hours but I drove from Punta Gorda down to Fort Myers Beach, to reminisce. I am happy I did that because the last time I went was a few years ago.
When you look at Fort Myers Beach now, it will never be the same. Even if you pour millions of dollars into repairing it, you can't rebuild what was once. You can't rebuild memories. I'm just thankful my family wasn't there, I couldn't bear losing anyone else. Hurricane Ian was a level 4 hurricane. When I was the age of 2, which I obviously don't remember much, I was in one of the deadliest and costliest hurricanes-- Hurricane Charley, which also happens to be a level 4 hurricane.
I hope everyone who has been affected by Hurricane Ian is safe. My heart aches for you and your loved ones, for your beloved home.
For anyone looking to send relief to the communities affected:
FK YOUR DIET FREE MEALS FOR THE COMMUNITY:
@fkyourdietfortmyers on Instagram
Venmo: Amy-Eldridge-5 / Cash App: $amymeldridge
PINE ISLAND HELP: Beacon of Hope
@pineislandbeaconofhope on Instagram
https://beaconofhopepineisland.com
SOUTHWEST FLORIDA COMMUNITY FOUNDATION:
@collaboratorysocial on Instagram
https://collaboratory.org
THINK PINEAPPLE FOUNDATION:
@thinkpineapplefoundation on Instagram
https://www.thinkpineapplefoundation.org/#/
CAPE VINEYARD COMMUNITY CHURCH:
https://www.capevineyard.com/
(Religious organization)
DEBRIEFING THE FRONTLINES:
@debriefingthefrontlinesinc on Instagram
https://givebutter.com/HurricaneIanRelief
(External fundraiser, community ties to Punta Gorda)
To my first apartment-- let’s just say, you taught me two things. 1) how to be an adult and 2) that I never want to live in a studio apartment again. When moving out, I was rushed. I didn't get to appreciate and I didn't get to properly say goodbye. Lincoln park was beautiful and it showed me just how pretty it is not being directly in the city. It was really a struggle though… having consistent rent and then on top of that all the other bills. But it was a roof over my head. It was a place in my name.
To Stella-- I lost my first car. Just like my apartment and first home, I didn't get to say goodbye. I made her a part of me. Everyone could look at my car and know it was mine, know that I put a part of my heart into decorating her. I went on all my adventures out of state with her. I practically lived inside my car at times. I'll miss all your stickers on the bumper and your painted bikini bottom headliner. All the times you protected me from the THREE car crashes we got into. I will always be that girl that had the green Volkswagen Beetle. It really broke my heart having to give her up but over the years I’ve been forced to learn to not be so sentimental. As silly as it sounds, it almost felt like I betrayed my car. You will always be the best car and the best Christmas present. So thank you for being my first car, Stella.
And to you-- I can't go in-depth with this one as it will never be something I can heal from. But not a day goes by where I don't think of you and don't miss you. You were and still are my favorite person. And I apologize for how bratty of a teenager I was, I wish you could see me now. See everything I’ve done, the people I met. I wish I could talk to you because to this day I will never find someone as comforting and easy to talk to as you. Maybe everything comes back to you, and that's why I have to heal from what I do. I wanted you to see my first apartment, I know you would have been scared I would get killed every day but I know you would be proud. My grandpa got me my first car because he knew that's what you would have wanted despite my parents not wanting me to get a car so soon. To the childhood home that was in your name, that I wouldn't go to unless you were there with me. You always knew how much I didn't like Florida but you would accommodate me. You would let me go to the pool while everyone went to the beach, and you would look up menus to ensure they had meatless options.
You didn't get to see me grow, change, or go through all those milestones.
But that's okay.
I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. So thank you, I miss you and I love you truly forever and always.
-
What I learned is that I never get to say goodbye but you never really plan to say goodbye too. It just kind of happens. I am very much a control freak, I want to have control over my life and when it comes to healing, there is no control involved.
As silly as it may seem, the quote of the blog will be said by our beloved snowman friend, Olaf
“We’re calling this, controlling what you can when things feel out of control.”
I hope that you all heal from what you cannot talk about.
- Xoxo, Jade
